elwing's Blog

 Does one decide that their dreams are just that? Dreams, and not ultimate truths which will one day come to pass? When does one cease to hope? At what point does one realize that their dreams are too far out of reach? That they set the bar too high?  

I feel I've fallen, bumped and bruised my chin, my elbows, my knees. I'm lying there, in the woodchips of life's insane playground, bleeding and perhaps broken. I don't know what to do. I keep trying to push foreward, in my own way, but I keep thinking that I'll fall further, harder, if I go too slowly.    I think I hate it here. Sometimes, I want to go home, to Nebraska. Mom, now you know. And, Love, you know too, now, I suppose.   

All I need is to know that we're moving foreward. With the house in a shambles (repair work needs done), and with us in such a dire state monetarily, I need to know that something's happening. Saturday, I'm supposed to hear back about a possible job for myself. Whoohoo. Dollar Tree! I'll get to work with the ladies that know me and kiddo by name, haha. I'll perhaps gain some close friends. But I can't help but feel pessimistic. I mean, with Love out of work, it honestly doesn't feel like he's doing anything to remedy that situation, and I don't know how to go about explaining to him, that even if he didn't 'accept' any jobs, at least if he'd apply to places around town. Again. I suppose he knows now. Just to know that he was trying, to be able to see his efforts for myself, would make me feel so much better. I love you, sweetie.  

I miss my son. He's been gone for a while, at his dad's for the summer. Today, I had the fleeting thought that I should call my mother, beg for a bus ticket back home, just for a little while, to see my boy. Every time I talk to him over the phone, he wants to know when I'm going to come and get him. Both yesterday and today it was all I could do not to start bawling like a child simply at the thought of him.   

But its not all bad. Love is selling some artwork he bought a couple years ago, making a little bit of money. I'm making jewelry again. But, with no place to sell it, I'm screwed basically. I don't know what to do, really. I've got some auctions up on ebay. But its been a few days and I haven't gotten a single bid.   

We're barely making our payments. I haven't a clue how the heck we're going to get my car out of the shop. No, we haven't got it yet. Twelve hundred dollars is quite a bit of money, and they've yanked us about, as far as putting us on some sort of payment plan. One day, the boss says yes, the next day, the second in command has to make sure its OK with the boss, and since I'm not dealing with any of this stuff directly, I have no idea what's going on. I want my car back. I miss that freedom.  

 Yes. That's what I said. Argle.

 I'm not entirely sure why I 'stopped' posting here, yet again. I think I've just been thinking about other things, perhaps. I dunno. 

I keep promising that I'm gonna keep up with this, and my LJ, and Gather, and all sorts of stuff like that, and I don't. I need a kick in the arse. Maybe, JUST maybe, if I focus myself and MAKE myself WRITE a little each and every day, I can keep up with everything. 

Because of course I know how absolutely excited y'all are to read my blog. :P

I really need to get back to putting stories with my unstoried experiences, too. *sigh* 

 I want to thank everyone who came to Skunktails and my aid when we were going through our little rough patch. Things happen, not everyone is perfect. I also want to appologize to those of you that might've worried on our account. Thank you for thinking of us, and I'm sorry we stressed you.

That said...

Now for teh updating.

For the last year or so, my cat has had a very slowly growing 'skin tag' sort of tumor on her forehead. At least, she did, up until Monday. It was half the size of a pea, but its been removed. If it returns, grows back, then we'll have it tested to see if its cancerous, but right now the vet wasn't concerned. Inqui's healing nicely. In a few days, I should be able to remove her stitch myself. If it doesn't dissolve on its own first.

Kiddo's getting better at saying the alphabet... And he's trying to tie his shoes. His new glasses came in last week, so that's cool. I get mine on Monday, hopefully. Yay!!! (The earpiece of the ones I have broke, and now it scratches and hurts the side of my head when I wear them. Which is all the time.)

Skunkie and I are doing well... All things concidered. He's looking for a job. I'm anxiously awaiting kiddo's next (third and FINAL) year of preschool, because he'll be in all day, five days a week. Then, perhaps, I can get a part time job during his school hours. *crosses her fingers* But I don't hold out much hope, LOL.

(Warning. This next bit is probably gross.) The middle of April, I'm going to see a gyno for the first time in like, five years. (I know, I'm dumb. Pap every six months, yadda yadda.) About a week before Skunkie and my fight, I started bleeding. I'm still bleeding. Considering the fact that for the last four or five years I've bled once or twice a year, (Menstruation) the fact that I've now been bleeding for three weeks straight scares me. Its not a huge ammount. Just enough for me to hafta wear a pad, or something. I think I hate being a woman.

I want to feel good. I do. But a lot of the time I can't decide if I feel like absolute shit or if I feel positively wonderful. Shit often wins.

 Skunkie and I are trying to work things out... Its not gonna be easy, but we're going to make this work. 

Just... Thought I'd take a moment to let you all know.

I don't know what to do.

I think its over. Skunktails and I, that is.

I haven't cried. I want to. But I can't. I don't want kiddo to realize there's something horribly wrong. I don't want ME to realize there's something horribly wrong. I don't want to give myself the chance to freak out.

Leaving Skunkie means I've gotta find a place of my own; I've gotta learn how to take care of myself, after over two years of being taken care of. I've got to be mommy and daddy. I've got to figure out what I'm going to tell my son, about why his 'step dad' isn't going to be there anymore.

I want to say I hate Skunkie for this. I hate the fact that my son is loosing his daddy. What do I tell him? 

Where the hell am I gonna go? Back with my mom? I can't stay there forever. I thought my life was going to be this new house, with my eventual husband, my son, and us continuing to build our family together. Apparently, I'm not good enough for him, though. Who I am isn't good enough. After so many years, I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

We had an argument yesterday. I'm seriously starting to worry about myself.

What am I going to tell my son? 

Well... Now I know better exactly where kiddo is... He's about a year behind everyone else in his class, as far as motor skills, verbal skills, socialization skills, and other things are concerned. Around the ninteenth, I'm going to talk to a lady that's going to  come into his preschool class and 'test' him in that environment, I guess. I dunno.

This shouldn't be such a big deal to me, but it is. I don't know why. But... Now, I also have a decision to make. I need to figure out where I want kiddo to go next year, for his third year of preschool... Should he stick with his current teacher, at only two days a week, or should he go to another preschool entirely, and go five days a week? I think more days would help him... It'd certainly help me (lol, more 'free time' from kiddo, and even perhaps time to be able to get a part time job). 

I dunno. Why does this upset me so much?

This stresses me out to no end... I mean, I *know* he's not ready for Kindergarten. I know he's behind, and I also know he's smaller than most kids his age. But still...

I mean, I know my son is perfect in every way. That's just all there is to it. He's exactly the way he's supposed to be. But at the same time, I can't help but feel all 'mother bear-ish' and defensive. Its not like she's saying kiddo's 'stupid' or anything. There are other factors. He might have a learning dissability, and he's just not emotionally ready for Kindergarten... But at the same time, I *really* really want him to be able to go, like all the other kids. 

I hate this. 

I'll update when I get home, if I feel like it.

Alright... So a few weeks ago, my fiance and I ended up having to sign up for state assistance. With him out of work, and everything, we needed it. But, in order to get the help we needed, I have to start going to this 'class'... I'm not even sure exactly what it is, but apparently its either supposed to help me get a job, or to help me work for myself or something. I dunno. I'll find more out when I take the class, because really they aren't very descriptive about it...

The class starts tomorrow.

I don't want to go.

I'm scared. Its been quite a while since I've been in such a social situation all by myself. I feel a bit like an idiot. I mean, I couldn't take care of myself and now that's why I'll be there, right? *Sigh*

If I knew or could afford someone to help me apply for a grant or two, I might possibly be able to get up the $ to start my own business. I'm horrible. I'm going to have enough work on my hands keeping a business up, should I ever run one. Why would I want to have to work to be able to get the business up and running? LOL. God, I'm awful. I really am. 

All I want to do is bead. Be a stay at home mom. Sew. Write. Read. Draw. Be creative. Make things that're pretty... Make things that're so ugly they're trendy. Just... BE and MAKE and DO. How in the hell does that fit into having a business? How am I supposed to sell any of my jewelry? Ebay didn't work, and Etsy's just the same as Ebay, but with a smaller client base.

I don't want to go tomorrow. I don't. I'm absolutely terrified. You should have seen me, when I went in there the first time for the original meeting... The place is inside a college. I had to walk through a college building to get there. The place is a maze. I had to ask like, four students for directions. I felt like such an idiot. And now I have to go back. Find my way to a DIFFERENT room. Be all by myself in a group of people I don't know.

Why is this so terrifying? Seriously? I shouldn't be scared, but I am. 

 I have almost NO voice at the moment. I've nearly lost it completely.

The worst parts?

#1 - I CANNOT spend an entire day or more being completely silent. Being a mother of a preschooler makes that impossible.

#2 - I can't properly communicate, face to face, with the people I care about most, and it bugs me to no end. They think its goofy to write back and forth on notebooks... And kiddo can't read anyway. I don't know enough sign language to make myself understood, and I know more than everyone in our household. 

#3 - I CAN'T SING! OMG. Seriously. I don't think anyone has any idea whatsoever about how depressing and utterly... Devastating not being able to sing is for me. I mean, I know I'm no 'artist' at it, but my gosh. Thats one of the ways I vent, I communicate, I feel, I enjoy myself, I relax... I'd say I spend at least a quarter of my day singing, if not more. 

And now I have no voice with which to talk. Or sing. 

How long must my torment go ON?! HOW LOOOOONG?!!!

 FOOD OF THE GODS!

Such beautiful little orange squares of delightful, almost cheesy, crunchy goodness... Omnomnom. Peaches and cream oatmeal and cheez-its.

The breakfast of champions!

 Its about 11pm... And we've *just* tonight gotten enough stuff moved into our new trailer to be able to sleep there. We don't have running water, LOL, due to a minor issue with the water heater, but that'll be fixed soon enough that its really not a big worry... (Especially 'cause we can go back to the other house to shower, shave, and whatnot if we really need to.) 

Vince is settled down in his new room... The trailer house is CRAMMED full of stuff right now that needs to be unpacked, and either put away or resorted and repacked in order to take it to Goodwill or something. *sigh* Such a huge amount of work! OMG. 

I'm exhausted. I ache from head to toe. We've been trying to move IN THE DEAD OF WINTER, around snowstorms, ice storms, a severe cold running rampant through our family, and umpteen problems with this and that. But we're doing it. Our living room will be our bedroom, but we're DOING IT. 

 I've seen more of my son's blood in the last two days than I care to think about... FOUR bloody noses over the past two days, a bite from the dog (GODDAMNIT. It doesn't happen as often as it used to, but cripes. -.-  If Kiddo would JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE, it wouldn't HAPPEN in the FIRST PLACE. Its never anything serious, but we have GOT to find a way to MAKE THEM BOTH STOP!), and now, a bloody lip from smacking his face into the edge of the aquarium stand. *Sigh* Yeah. Never EVER let your four year old watch a salsa/mamba/'dirty' dancing competition, even for FIVE FREAKING MINUTES, 'cause he's inevitably going to think he can dance like that, and grab onto a piece of furnature and HURT HIMSELF WITH IT. 

I have such a headache...

So, the last couple of days (since I got my medicade card) I've been trying to get my prescription for lexapro filled, right? OK. Well, the Wal Mart closest to us said that my medicade card records (WHICH THERE ARE NONE OF, AS I JUST GOT IT) and their computer records didn't match, and that I'd already filled my script to the limit, and needed to get a new one from my doc first... SO, we went to the OTHER Wal Mart, in a different town, and they said they could get it transfered here, and fill it, just come back in twenty minutes. Came back to get it, and they told me I HAD PICKED IT UP A COUPLE OF HOURS AGO. 

WTF? No, I hadn't. I hadn't even PLACED the 'order' for the meds at that point, from that pharmacy. So, nearly in tears, freaking out, I explain to them as calmly as I can that I have NOT had my antidepressant/anxiety meds in over TWO WEEKS, and that I NEED MY MEDICINE... And they gave it to me. Though, they gave me the WRONG DOSAGE. Instead of thirty '10' pills, they gave me fifteen '20' pills. Which means I hafta CUT THEM IN FUCKING HALF every time I need meds. 

Fiance's unemployment hasn't gotten here yet, and we NEED IT. Fiance starts work on like the 27th, working locally, and taking a $10-$12 paycut, to work for Blue Bunny. We have $100 on a WalGreens gift card, because of a refund for some of my meds (because of being on Medicade now) and $80 cash, which has somehow gotta pay some money to the landlord, and pay some of our electric bill, and pay a SEPARATE company, to get the electricity hooked up at our NEW trailer so we can CLEAN IT and GTFO of this place for once and for all... Oh. And pay for gas to get our roomie to work. *Sigh* 

I *would* have a job with Apple, working Tech Support. Seriously. $10-$12/hr, working at the same place our roomie does, if I had a sitter, and if we could afford the gas right now to get me to training. 

Dad knows we're buying the trailer now. He's not happy. And he told Kiddo that this means he can't come see him very much anymore, 'cause he won't have a place to sleep. Like its such a big deal. He sleeps in kiddo's bed (and kiddo sleeps on the couch) when he comes to visit anyway, when he's HERE at this dumb rented house, anyway. 

Right now, I have a LOT of pent up anger, and frustration. No one but me lifts a finger to do any dishes or clean the bathroom. My fiance straightens up the living room once every week or so. I STILL do everyone's laundry as if I'm the house mommy or some shit. At least now I'm not making roomie's lunches, but jeezus. I feel overwhelmed, and helpless, and no one's doing anything to help me out. I'm the only one that cleans the bathroom. I'm the one who has a preschooler attached to my hip at ALL TIMES. I can't pee by myself. I can't take a bath without an audience of one cat, one dog, and one kid. I can't read a magazine article uninterupted. I can't take ten minutes to just sit in the quiet. I feel trapped and I keep telling people I need help and I'm just NOT getting ANY. 

Yeah, yeah. Help myself first, damned right. But every time I do, I run into a brick wall. I *really* wanted to work for Apple. I can't. We can't afford to wait for my first paycheck, or to get me through three weeks of training. I don't know anyone around here, I don't trust anyone to watch my son. I want a job. I want to get out of the house some. If I could find a job where I could just work during when kiddo's at school, that'd be perfect! But... The town where he goes to preschool is pretty tiny, and there's no availible jobs there. I'd have to drive fifteen minutes to get to a job, at least, which would mean I'd only be availible to work from about 9am to 2:30pm, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Something like that is only bound to pay minimum wage, and then would it even be worth it, having to pay for the gas to get there? 

I've been making more and more jewelry and these stupid plushies. But I have no where to 'get rid of them' at. Nowhere to sell them. But... I'm going to do it. That's all there is to it. I'm going to start selling these things if it fucking KILLS ME.

 There's... Stuff going on. Lots and lots of stuff. Far too much stuff. And, of course, no one in my household lifts a goddamned finger to GET THINGS GOING, which... Leaves me feeling desperately overwhelmed, so I don't do anything. Fuck.

We NEED to get our shit moved outta here, and into the trailer. We NEED to tell my dad to STFU, because we're buying the trailer and that's it. As soon as my medicade card gets here, I'll be able to get my prescription for lexapro refilled... 

And, of course, in addition to all this shit, my hard drive went kaput last night. Luckily, we sorta saw it coming and were able to backup most of my stuff, but now that I'm using a different operating system and a different hard drive (an extra one we had), everything's so different. Had a helluva time getting all my passwords back. Wasn't able to save ANY of my bookmarks. 

Oh. And my fiance has been 'on the fritz' the last couple of days. He *finally* told me what's up today, but, the fact that he lets it get to him this long and that he's potentially letting it ruin all of our plans really pisses me off. I love him, but unfortunately for some reason anger is one of my main responses for everything. 

My dad's probably going to be here this weekend... He keeps 'mentioning' that we'd better not be 'buying that fucking trailer' because he'll be pissed and we'll regret it and all this retarded bull... Oh. And he's dropped once or twice that he's somehow gotten the idea that my mom (They're divorced) is going to be retiring in a year or two and will need someone to take over the resturaunt. 

I'm to the point now that though my son is a major agressor, (As far as stress in my life goes) that he's the only thing keeping me from downing a bottle of random pills this evening. Kiddo keeps telling me that I'm fired.

NO. I am NOT going to do it. But I refuse to pretend that I haven't had thoughts about doing it. 

My fiance is probably going to Colorado for a couple months... $28/hr and $120 per diem (a day) is *REALLY* nice looking right now, despite the distance. I dunno. He's also considering a job here locally, working for the Blue Bunny factory. That's only $12/hr though... I could work for Apple, as tech support (through Stream). I got a call saying they'd take me, they'd love to have me even. That'd be $10/hr at least, for me... And I'd *really* love to have a job again... Though it wouldn't leave me with as much time to keep up with the house and my crafty stuff. And I don't know who I'd get to sit Kiddo... I mean, the drive TO work would be like, 45 minutes, so its pretty far away, and then paying for a sitter... Full time, even, would $10/hr be worth it? If I have to pay for gas and a sitter? If (IFIFIF) our roomie and I could get the *exact* same schedule, that'd be awesome, because then that'd be a LOT less trips in that direction, a lot less gas, and with him paying half gas that'd help... 

Someone tell me what to do, please? I'm so freaking lost, here. I've been on the verge of tears most of the day, and half of the day I thought I was going to throw up because I was so stressed. I need some serious help here.