Insane. | elwing's Blog

 I've seen more of my son's blood in the last two days than I care to think about... FOUR bloody noses over the past two days, a bite from the dog (GODDAMNIT. It doesn't happen as often as it used to, but cripes. -.-  If Kiddo would JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE, it wouldn't HAPPEN in the FIRST PLACE. Its never anything serious, but we have GOT to find a way to MAKE THEM BOTH STOP!), and now, a bloody lip from smacking his face into the edge of the aquarium stand. *Sigh* Yeah. Never EVER let your four year old watch a salsa/mamba/'dirty' dancing competition, even for FIVE FREAKING MINUTES, 'cause he's inevitably going to think he can dance like that, and grab onto a piece of furnature and HURT HIMSELF WITH IT. 

I have such a headache...

So, the last couple of days (since I got my medicade card) I've been trying to get my prescription for lexapro filled, right? OK. Well, the Wal Mart closest to us said that my medicade card records (WHICH THERE ARE NONE OF, AS I JUST GOT IT) and their computer records didn't match, and that I'd already filled my script to the limit, and needed to get a new one from my doc first... SO, we went to the OTHER Wal Mart, in a different town, and they said they could get it transfered here, and fill it, just come back in twenty minutes. Came back to get it, and they told me I HAD PICKED IT UP A COUPLE OF HOURS AGO. 

WTF? No, I hadn't. I hadn't even PLACED the 'order' for the meds at that point, from that pharmacy. So, nearly in tears, freaking out, I explain to them as calmly as I can that I have NOT had my antidepressant/anxiety meds in over TWO WEEKS, and that I NEED MY MEDICINE... And they gave it to me. Though, they gave me the WRONG DOSAGE. Instead of thirty '10' pills, they gave me fifteen '20' pills. Which means I hafta CUT THEM IN FUCKING HALF every time I need meds. 

Fiance's unemployment hasn't gotten here yet, and we NEED IT. Fiance starts work on like the 27th, working locally, and taking a $10-$12 paycut, to work for Blue Bunny. We have $100 on a WalGreens gift card, because of a refund for some of my meds (because of being on Medicade now) and $80 cash, which has somehow gotta pay some money to the landlord, and pay some of our electric bill, and pay a SEPARATE company, to get the electricity hooked up at our NEW trailer so we can CLEAN IT and GTFO of this place for once and for all... Oh. And pay for gas to get our roomie to work. *Sigh* 

I *would* have a job with Apple, working Tech Support. Seriously. $10-$12/hr, working at the same place our roomie does, if I had a sitter, and if we could afford the gas right now to get me to training. 

Dad knows we're buying the trailer now. He's not happy. And he told Kiddo that this means he can't come see him very much anymore, 'cause he won't have a place to sleep. Like its such a big deal. He sleeps in kiddo's bed (and kiddo sleeps on the couch) when he comes to visit anyway, when he's HERE at this dumb rented house, anyway. 

Right now, I have a LOT of pent up anger, and frustration. No one but me lifts a finger to do any dishes or clean the bathroom. My fiance straightens up the living room once every week or so. I STILL do everyone's laundry as if I'm the house mommy or some shit. At least now I'm not making roomie's lunches, but jeezus. I feel overwhelmed, and helpless, and no one's doing anything to help me out. I'm the only one that cleans the bathroom. I'm the one who has a preschooler attached to my hip at ALL TIMES. I can't pee by myself. I can't take a bath without an audience of one cat, one dog, and one kid. I can't read a magazine article uninterupted. I can't take ten minutes to just sit in the quiet. I feel trapped and I keep telling people I need help and I'm just NOT getting ANY. 

Yeah, yeah. Help myself first, damned right. But every time I do, I run into a brick wall. I *really* wanted to work for Apple. I can't. We can't afford to wait for my first paycheck, or to get me through three weeks of training. I don't know anyone around here, I don't trust anyone to watch my son. I want a job. I want to get out of the house some. If I could find a job where I could just work during when kiddo's at school, that'd be perfect! But... The town where he goes to preschool is pretty tiny, and there's no availible jobs there. I'd have to drive fifteen minutes to get to a job, at least, which would mean I'd only be availible to work from about 9am to 2:30pm, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Something like that is only bound to pay minimum wage, and then would it even be worth it, having to pay for the gas to get there? 

I've been making more and more jewelry and these stupid plushies. But I have no where to 'get rid of them' at. Nowhere to sell them. But... I'm going to do it. That's all there is to it. I'm going to start selling these things if it fucking KILLS ME.