The camel died. | elwing's Blog

 We

Are

Screwed.

Period.

Here's the rundown. I owe my mom a CRAPLOAD of money. Like, $2000 or more. (I love you, mom.) We were able to pay the first payment on our new trailer, so we can start getting moved in... But we need a $200 (at least) deposit to hook up electricity so we can be in there 'for real'. My fiance is out of work, and between Christmas and everything, we now owe at least $3000 in various other places. Medical bills, backowed rent because of bad job situations with my fiance, (Though it is in NO WAY his fault.), kiddo's school bill, paying for my meds, and an out of control electric bill that we can't afford a lawyer to contest (Yeah. I have no clue what's going on there, but I'm pretty sure it didn't cost $700 to heat this house for two months.), AND (As of tonight.) a ticket (My fiance got pulled over.) that'll cost us at least another $400, we are totally and utterly screwed.

Both my fiance and I have little to NO credit, and certainly not enough good credit to qualify for *any* loans, or credit cards... (Payday loans just won't cut it, either, because of the way my fiance works, bouncing around from company to company.) Jobs are *extremely* slim for him, and he needs to make $12+ an hour in order to be able just to support himself... I have little to no job skills, no babysitter (though I'm sure I could find one, I just do NOT know anyone out here well enough that I trust them to babysit my son), and we live in such an out of the way area that I'd need to be making at least $10 an hour simply to pay for gas to get to work and a babysitter to watch my son while I worked... 

I don't care anymore. I don't. I don't care who we owe, I don't care how much. I'm getting a fucking job, one way or another. Once again, I'll give up on my 'dream of the moment' and move on to something else. Once again, I'll succomb to the idea that I CANNOT SUCCEED AT ANYTHING, and try something new, because there's *always* that SLIM chance that I might do a good job. 

I've been a fool, an idiot. And worse than that, I've taken advantage of people. My fiance, my mom, my dad, because of my petty little unrealistic dreams. I will never be a nail artist. I will never lucritively sell my handmade jewelry. My voice and my words will never inspire anyone to do anything other than cringe. 

I'm in an emo mood tonight.

I hate myself right now.

I might just hate the entire world, because right now it feels like the whole world is against me. Because of how strapped for $ we've been, I've been taking my lexapro only once every other day, when I need it every day, and I feel like I'm spiraling downwards. I need *something* to give, a spot of good luck, a ray of hope, and I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen, because people like me are not the sort of people who get good things handed to them. People like me have to work for it, and I've been far too unwilling to work for it my entire life. 

You know how selfish I am? Seriously? I'm surprised that anyone makes any pretenses at caring for me, really. 

Fuck. This is horrible. You guys don't want to read this. My dog died, my girlfriend left me, my truck broke, and awww, jeezus, at least my radio works!