At what point... | elwing's Blog

 Does one decide that their dreams are just that? Dreams, and not ultimate truths which will one day come to pass? When does one cease to hope? At what point does one realize that their dreams are too far out of reach? That they set the bar too high?  

I feel I've fallen, bumped and bruised my chin, my elbows, my knees. I'm lying there, in the woodchips of life's insane playground, bleeding and perhaps broken. I don't know what to do. I keep trying to push foreward, in my own way, but I keep thinking that I'll fall further, harder, if I go too slowly.    I think I hate it here. Sometimes, I want to go home, to Nebraska. Mom, now you know. And, Love, you know too, now, I suppose.   

All I need is to know that we're moving foreward. With the house in a shambles (repair work needs done), and with us in such a dire state monetarily, I need to know that something's happening. Saturday, I'm supposed to hear back about a possible job for myself. Whoohoo. Dollar Tree! I'll get to work with the ladies that know me and kiddo by name, haha. I'll perhaps gain some close friends. But I can't help but feel pessimistic. I mean, with Love out of work, it honestly doesn't feel like he's doing anything to remedy that situation, and I don't know how to go about explaining to him, that even if he didn't 'accept' any jobs, at least if he'd apply to places around town. Again. I suppose he knows now. Just to know that he was trying, to be able to see his efforts for myself, would make me feel so much better. I love you, sweetie.  

I miss my son. He's been gone for a while, at his dad's for the summer. Today, I had the fleeting thought that I should call my mother, beg for a bus ticket back home, just for a little while, to see my boy. Every time I talk to him over the phone, he wants to know when I'm going to come and get him. Both yesterday and today it was all I could do not to start bawling like a child simply at the thought of him.   

But its not all bad. Love is selling some artwork he bought a couple years ago, making a little bit of money. I'm making jewelry again. But, with no place to sell it, I'm screwed basically. I don't know what to do, really. I've got some auctions up on ebay. But its been a few days and I haven't gotten a single bid.   

We're barely making our payments. I haven't a clue how the heck we're going to get my car out of the shop. No, we haven't got it yet. Twelve hundred dollars is quite a bit of money, and they've yanked us about, as far as putting us on some sort of payment plan. One day, the boss says yes, the next day, the second in command has to make sure its OK with the boss, and since I'm not dealing with any of this stuff directly, I have no idea what's going on. I want my car back. I miss that freedom.